The beast, or so it seems, resides between the nature of ways and means and soulful sorrows that beg for tomorrows when in an instant it could all be over. I need strife in my life like a hole-filled parachute or a million dollar lottery ticket winner who can’t find his lucky jacket. I lost in love a long time ago and found a safe haven in lust. Whether your flesh finds a way to mine or is sanctioned by some other who claims to have claimed to your least most important appendage, diamonds make a girl any man’s wet dream whether they share anything beyond what happens the next time.
What happens when souls sit around shooting the shit waxing philosophically about the measures and means and how much man meat means? How much does it take to make a woman lose her faith? It’s that look on her face when hope has no trace and sanity hangs thin by some evil thread that was placed there in some feeble attempt to show her that her worth was less than worthwhile and her dreams not were worth saving. I know now the shelter she seeks and why my steps seem ordered for such anger our demons are intertwined, dependent and in search of enlightenment. The most humble moment in any life is when one realizes that others are capable of being broken too. Dawn she longs for the day as day lays wager on the light and they all long for the shelter of the night. I am no more your friend as I am the longing that that beast or foe from within. Stop fighting me; your fists only show how tightly you wish to hold me because closer forces us to tell truth.
Why does this demon truth only come when troths of children stream tears like drying oceans and breaking glaciers? Baby seals with broken heads from steroid swinging sluggers remind us of Aunt B and window seal stolen pies. What makes hate spy on fate? Envy, greed and sloth sing songs of redemption but does the forgiven, forgive the forgotten or do they merely become the chosen few who leap with awesome wonder into austere fantasies or conspiratorial fervor that leaves only a hollowed well more empty.
Echoes like snitches or mimes know the moment of lies like no other for what so ever does one greatly predict unless he has at some point stepped in, picked up, admired or rubbed his own nose in if, for no other reason but to know the humiliation or maybe perhaps to relearn that what we control is our lonely mind even when others are around and in line my control only extends as far as …
What we know as now has never really been the only thing that is more fabricated is what has been believed to be yesterday or at best trespasses on tomorrow.
It’s the underbelly that first gets hit once within the midst of eternal warfare try and blame the soldiers that have gathered intelligence and reported back that there is no clear nor safe path to proceed yet in your selfish agenda you ignore forging forward admiring the carnage from your safe little haven in the sky.
As the wind passes through my hair just before the tips of my toes touch, I wonder not of those loved ones and my children. Instead, I think of the many deceitful selfish beings that will be reminded of how careless they were with my heart and smile and relish in leaving them with the thought of wondering if they were the very one that sent me off the edge to take my last step into the next and last chapter of nothing.
Despite the decisions I’ve made with the changes and adjustments thrown in along the way, my path has been predetermined. I am a single mother and will be until my children are old enough to take care of themselves. Even then, I will grow into a single woman and will be that until the day I die. By then, I will more than likely be ready to embark on true companionship again. As of today, I am too frightened to trust again, to put my life and the lives of my children into the hands of any man that promises to lead and protect us as best as he can without malice. I regret to say that there is a great possibility that I will possibly miss out on the “that guy” if he should happen to decide to appear in my life if that appearance should be during the time of my children’s adolescence years. My sad reality of silent suffering with bouts of temporary satisfaction will continue until they begin to fade as I grow older and closer and closer to death.
Anger and desire for sweet revenge no longer resides within these chambers as they’ve been replaced with stone. Seeing the truth within those who have tasted, smothered, tainted and even scarred has been bitter sweet. What flows through these veins is now embraced with the desire to experience what once was but with the serum of truth that has been so graciously bestowed upon me. Seeing and feeling in a world oblivious to most women, new and enhanced pleasures are experienced. Thank you heartache for opening eyes wide shut…for allowing me to fully indulge, bask and submerge within the light consumed with lies and deceit without being affected by false acts of love and happiness.